Q&A: I have a PhD and I'm still unable to socialize

Subscriber-only episode

This is a subscriber-only podcast episode.

In this episode, I'm tackling a Reddit post from someone with a PhD struggling with social anxiety. Despite their high level of academic achievement, they feel socially isolated and inadequate. 

I will offer five actionable recommendations to help them overcome imposter syndrome, social anxiety, and low self-esteem. Hopefully, these tips will also help you!

Grab the 5 Quick Ways to Manage Your Social Anxiety guide here.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction
• 0:42 Reddit post
• 4:36 Analyzing the original poster's struggles
• 9:10 Five recommendations
• 16:25 Final thoughts

Transcript

When I saw the title “I have a PhD and I'm still unable to socialize,” it grabbed my attention instantly.

Welcome to Social Anxiety Q&A, a subscriber-only podcast episode in which I crawl the internet for questions to answer and respond with my advice and recommendations. This week’s episode is inspired by a post on Reddit.

I assumed that someone with a PhD, constantly researching, collaborating, and discussing ideas, would naturally develop strong social skills. 

But that assumption was wrong because social anxiety doesn’t discriminate.

I fell into the trap—the misconception that if you’re accomplished in one area, you’re somehow exempt from social anxiety.

This is (again!) a reminder that that’s not the case. 

And then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it makes TOTAL sense that this is the case—that this person feels this way. It’s much more likely they think this way than the other way around.

Let’s first review the original post. Then, I’ll give you my initial thoughts on it and walk you through 5 things I’d recommend this person do if I were coaching them.

Disclaimer: I won’t fix any typos or make any changes to her words.

I have a PhD and I’m still unable to socialize because I always feel stupid. No matter how hard I try to be informed, I always end up being laughed at, criticized, corrected, talked over, and invalidated, to the extent that I no longer accept invitations to spend time with friends.I can barely even converse with my husband, who I'm sure would love to have a wife who is confident and able to play board games with shared friends and talk about important matters. I'm lonely, but finding that being alone is also more peaceful as I'm not constantly waiting to end up feeling bad and regretting leaving the house or trying to do something that I'm not good at all and feeling like a loser that brings everyone else down. Outside of academia, I have no hobbies or interests to bring up in conversation, nor do I have any opinions I feel comfortable sharing because I'm too dumb to defend them when someone starts arguing with me. Within academia, I'm unable to find a job that pays above poverty, above poverty wages, and I'm frequently treated like I barely exist.I've lived almost my entire life as an outsider, no matter how hard I tried. And now I'm tired of trying. 

Reading that, I felt a wave of emotions: sadness, frustration, and recognition. 

If you’ve ever struggled with self-doubt or social anxiety, you probably found parts of this painfully familiar. And if someone with a PhD feels this way, what does that mean for the rest of us?

Because here I thought that if I attained PhD status level, I was set; I was good to go.

But clearly, nope.

Luckily, everything can be worked on and rectified, obviously, but it will take tremendous effort from this original poster. 

You can identify a few main struggles or psychological factors if you read behind the lines.

One of them being imposter syndrome. 

It seems like it’s taking up much mental space for her, as it might also be for you. It's a fairly common phenomenon that I’m afraid most of us have (or will) experience. 

A study suggests that 75% of women executives experience imposter syndrome in the workplace, so I imagine it’s fairly common in high-achieving fields like academia.

I’m not surprised she’s experiencing it at such a heightened level because she's a high-performing individual in a high-performing environment. 

Yet, simultaneously, she doubts her intelligence in almost every aspect of her life.

This inevitably results in social withdrawal, which we see in her case because no one wants to feel like that daily. Eventually, you get overwhelmed, and you're just done with it.

In her case, she feels less than. She feels like she's put on display for everyone to ridicule. I can imagine why she’d want to avoid feeling that way. 

In addition, she doesn’t seem to have a safe person in her corner, which makes it harder for her to feel worthy of being someone's friend or partner. 

This might even make her think she’s unworthy of being here. 

The second factor at play here is social anxiety.

She mentioned that she's scared of being laughed at and criticized, which makes her want to retreat from social situations. This is perfectly understandable.

If you’re scared of people and you fear going out, having interactions, and having conversations, you will spiral and debilitate.

If you're scared of how an interaction will unfold or how people will perceive you, you’ll think, “Hard pass.” Why would you willingly put yourself in harm’s way when you have the option to stay safe at home? 

And this is how we know that it’s social anxiety.

If you’re choosing to stay home and not participate out of fear for what might happen or for what you’ll think of yourself because of others, then that’s social anxiety keeping you under a chokehold.

The third thing is that she has low self-esteem.

You can see it in her language. She says she's too dumb to defend her opinions, so she’d rather not share any opinions. 

I get that because, for most of my life, I have never jumped into topics that I had not thoroughly rehearsed or researched.

If I were to speak up, you bet I would have had to be 200 percent confident of what I was saying. I understand the feeling of not wanting to broach a particular topic because you'll be called out if your facts are off or you lack knowledge.

But I’m not sure the alternative of staying quiet is better.

I now realize that all those moments in time (when I kept my mouth shut) were missed opportunities for me to grow, learn, and get critical feedback.

There’s so much power to changing your mind. In realizing that your opinion is based on false information. That you’ve been holding on to something you never had to hold on to.

Sometimes, just saying something you're unsure about is good. It helps you grow and learn about yourself and how you’ve formed your thoughts and opinions.

Most of the time, our opinions aren’t even ours. But we’ll never be able to sort that out unless we share them with people.

Now that we have a better picture of this individual and her main struggles (imposter syndrome, social anxiety, and low self-esteem), I want to give her five recommendations based on my experience for her path forward.

You can pretend I'm talking to you if you also struggle with this. 

Number one: Accept the invitation 

Succumbing to fear and anxiety will only exacerbate the condition in the long run. 

If you're choosing to avoid the things that you're terrified of or the things that you don't want to feel, the worst move is to shut down. 

Avoidance fuels anxiety.

Say yes to invitations at least once or twice a month. 

Removing yourself, isolating yourself, is only going to perpetuate the negative thoughts you have of yourself.

Number two: Find a safe person

I would advise her to let her husband in on her inner struggle. He should be her safe space, where she can say stupid shit and still feel welcomed and supported. 

No matter what.

You need someone who makes you feel seen, heard, and accepted. If your partner isn’t that person, find a friend or family member who is.

Tackling some of the insecurities with a trusted person can help you face others you might not feel comfortable with. 

Number three: Get out of your head

There's so much happening in her head. 

It overwhelms me just thinking of everything she has going on, but it’s not surprising for someone with a PhD because their brains constantly work over time.

But there are times when it's best to stop thinking and start observing.

Overthinking kills confidence. In social settings, instead of focusing on yourself, focus on others. Ask questions, observe, and engage.

You don't have to come up with extravagant opinions, thoughts, philosophical discourses about life, or anything of that nature. Ever heard of the acronym K.I.S.S.? 

Keep it simple, stupid. 

That’s it. 

Number four: Get good at being bad

She needs to be good at something to feel confident and well-versed in it to speak on it.

You don’t need to be an expert to speak up. Perfectionism and social anxiety go hand in hand, so ditch them both and embrace the awkwardness.

Most of the time, you won’t have all the articles or sources at the top of your mind, especially when talking off the cuff with somebody. You’ll have to rely on your memory, things you’ve heard, and beliefs.

Sure, you have your phone in your pocket, but it would be strange to scroll through articles the whole time to ensure you have the “right” opinion. 

You need to be okay with slipping sometimes.

Additionally, she commented that most Ph. Ds always want to prove their smartness, especially against other Ph. Ds, making it much more intimidating for her to speak up.

And to that, I have to say, “Let them,” as Mel Robbins would advise. 

Let them be narcissists if they want to prove themselves if everything is a competition for them, and if they look down on you.

• You do not need to participate in their game.
• You do not need to outdo or outsmart them. 
• You do not need to try and come off as all-knowing or all-perfect.

Allow yourself to suck at everything because life is that much more fun that way.

When someone advised her to find a hobby, she replied that she had failed miserably at martial arts and had stopped practicing. 

This cements my assumption that she struggles with perfectionism and the need to “be good” at something to participate.

None of us are probably, I'm assuming, going to be Kung Fu masters. 

Nonetheless, we should still show up to learn new skills and maybe talk to a few people here and there. There's so much more to it than just trying to be good at a particular thing and walking away if you're not perfect. 

Realizing that she’s not the best at something, coupled with others making her feel bad for not being the best, creates the perfect storm for her insecurities to fester.

In a way, she's like the other Ph. D.s she's complaining about.

Number five: Find better people to surround yourself with

In another glaring comment, she mentioned that her family and friends criticize her constantly, making it even harder to open up to them and be authentic.

If your current circle makes you feel small, find a new one.

You deserve friends who lift you, not tear you down. It's time to go no-contact, change your environment, and find other people to engage with outside your circle and your job.

This Reddit post is a perfect example of how social anxiety rears its cruel head and infiltrates every aspect of our lives.

We can’t let ourselves unravel to the point where we don't want to leave the house anymore, don't trust the person we live with, and can't share our thoughts and opinions because we're worried about what people think about us. 

That's dangerous.

I hope she finds a way to move past her insecurities, and I hope you took away the message that no one should talk about themselves this way. 

I bet that if we met her in real life, we would be like, "Holy moly, you're interesting! You're cool. You have so much to offer. Why are you downplaying yourself, woman!? 

If you relate to this, do one thing: give yourself the advice you’d give her. How you talk to yourself matters, and most of your beliefs about yourself are not even true.

Thank you for subscribing and supporting my work. I will be doing more Q&A-style podcast episodes, so please send me your questions.