Avoid these 6 passive aggressive phrases

It’s easy to miscommunicate and to resort to passive-aggressiveness. We all do it, especially when we feel vulnerable or the conversation is getting out of control and we don’t know what to do.

But when that happens, it’s best to keep the passive-aggressiveness to a minimum, as it could exacerbate the situation and fuel the fire.

Here are some phrases that shouldn’t come out of your mouth unless your goal is to come off as passive-aggressive.

This is the article link: 6 Passive-Aggressive Phrases You Should Probably Stop Using | HuffPost Life

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction
• 1:54 Understanding passive aggressiveness
• 3:53 Phrase 1: good for you
• 3:54 Phrase 2: sorry you feel that way
• 6:07 Phrase 3: it's fine
• 7:36 Phrase 4: whatever
• 8:54 Phrase 5: if you say so
• 9:39 Phrase 6: you're just too sensitive
• 11:32 Final thoughts

Transcript

Welcome back to the You're Worth Knowing podcast. Now, I have a little bit of bad news. This is going to be the last episode of this season. I know, I know. I'm cutting it short way faster than I initially hoped for or planned for. 

The reason is that I know I won't be able to sustain this one episode-a-week tempo that I promised myself to maintain and sustain. And I want to do right by you and come back in full force with season three, sometime at the end of the fall or at the beginning of the new year, when I can dedicate the necessary time and the time that I want to for this podcast.

My goal from the beginning was to provide valuable content. The last thing I want to do is slap on a couple of episodes just to put them out there, and then the quality goes down.

So, while this is going to be the last episode of the season, I will definitely keep in touch via my newsletter, which you can sign up for. You'll find the link in the show notes, and I will keep you updated on when the next season will start. But for now, I want to finish strong, and I want to talk about communication.

Specifically, I want to talk about how the words we use in daily interactions shape how others perceive us and how they feel about us because it's so easy to miscommunicate and resort to passive aggressiveness, which is the topic of today's episode.

I read an article about the six passive-aggressive phrases a while back, and I will link to it in the show notes.

I had so many light bulbs go off, inspiring me to discuss and elaborate on each of those points. So that's what I'm going to do today because I think this is something that we all end up doing one way or another, and we're not that conscious of it.

The worst part is that we say these things, but we don't really know their impact on other people and our relationships with them. Ultimately, we're not even aware that we're being passive-aggressive, but there's something inside of us that's just being triggered, so we respond this way. Because, yes, sometimes we do blurt out things subconsciously, especially in the heat of the moment. 

Also, when we feel vulnerable, or the conversation gets out of control, we don't know what to do. Now, that in itself is a whole beast to tackle. I'm not going to do that in this episode. Still, I want to zoom in on how we can keep passive-aggressiveness to a minimum when faced with these moments because being passive-aggressive exacerbates the situation and throws more fuel to the fire, which we do not want to do.

Especially if you're experiencing social anxiety, escalating things can ultimately make you feel worse about yourself. So, we want to avoid that as much as possible. With that being said, here are some phrases that should not come out of your mouth unless your goal is passive-aggressive; then, by all means, go ahead and feel free.

But if that's not your goal, let's see how we can rephrase some of these and change our perspective around them. Now, as a bit of exercise, as you hear these phrases, try to see how they make you feel. Do they trigger you? What kind of reaction do you have? So that the next time you blurt these things out, you'll remember what they felt like to you.

Alright, number one. Good for you. 

It's not fun to hear good for you, mainly because it often comes up after someone shares a highlight or an accomplishment. You immediately take them down a notch and leave them with a bad taste in their mouth if you say good for you as if they should feel bad for something good happening to them.

So, basically, what you need to understand is that the underlying emotion is envy. So, if you're struggling with envy, instead of saying, "Well, good for you" and dismissing them, maybe say something like, "That's cool. How did you make that happen?" I would love to learn from you. This shifts the focus from resentment to curiosity, which is where we always want to find ourselves.

Curiosity really can solve a lot of problems. So, if you feel like you're resenting someone and say, oh, good for you, try to see why whatever that person did bothers you. What is it that they have or accomplished that you are jealous of?

If you want to be more vulnerable and honest, say something like, wow, you know, that's awesome, and I'm happy for you, but I wish I could experience that. You know, something along those lines where you're open and vulnerable instead of dismissive and resentful.

Number two, I'm sorry you feel that way. 

This sounds like you're blaming the other person instead of taking accountability for your role. 

A simple, genuine apology such as, "I'm sorry I hurt you," will work better and go a long way in keeping the relationship intact. The best action is to keep the communication lines open and ask questions to understand what caused the blow-up. You can say, "I'm sorry if what I said hurt you. Can we talk about what happened?" 

Because simply saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way," makes it look like you're taking zero responsibility for what happened. And it's rarely the case that things are one-sided. Yeah, miscommunication and misunderstandings occur, but saying, "Hey, I'm sorry you feel that was,y" makes it all about them, as if you have no hand in the situation.

Number three: It's fine. 

This reminds me of the cartoon with a dog drinking coffee as if nothing is happening while the fire engulfs everything around him. I hope it's common knowledge by now that when someone says they're fine or "it's fine," they're lying.

It's a code word for being overwhelmed, sad, scared, jealous, or whatever the case may be. So open up and say what you mean. Don't test the other person; they have to jump through hoops to determine what's wrong. And the best part is that you'll feel better. 

Nothing is worse than saying it's fine and never addressing the problem. Try saying something like, "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we talk about this later?"

This expresses your inner state without shutting the other person down. 

The pitfall we run into is that we expect people to read our minds or keep asking us what's going on, what's on our minds, and whether we are okay until we finally give in and let them know what's eating up.

But the truth is that most of the time, we're going to end up waiting a long time for that to happen because people just have their shits to care about. They won't constantly check in on you if you're unwilling to tell them what's happening. So be kind to yourself, skip saying it's fine, and go straight to the truth.

It will save you a lot of headaches, heartache and disappointment.

Number four, whatever.  

Don't get me started on this one. I could seriously rage on for entire days. Have we even found someone who can stomach getting hit with whatever? 

Because I don't think anyone likes getting whatever in their face, I feel like the only people who can stomach it are parents who naturally have to because, you know, they hear it ten times a day from their teenagers or their kids. 

But it's probably the one reply that irks me the most. It sends me into a flying rage automatically. It immediately dismisses what the other person said and is a way to shut down the conversation and not take accountability.

It doesn't feel good for either person and creates unnecessary tension and escalation. So instead of "whatever," you can say, "I'm upset, but I'm not sure how to talk about it yet. Can we revisit this later?" 

I highly recommend that you express the feeling you're trying to suppress because suppressing feelings, emotions, and thoughts is disastrous for our well-being and those around us. 

Usually, when we hit someone with whatever, our ego is bruised, and we don't want to face the realization in front of us.  

Number five, if you say so.

Again, this is very dismissive of the other person's feelings, concerns, or opinions, making it sound like they're delusional for thinking that way.

Instead, you could ask them to clarify why they have that opinion and why it's important to them. People will have different life experiences than you do. You could say, "I see where you're coming from. Can you tell me more about how you see it that way?" 

This response values their perspective because, as I said, people will have different perspectives, and you can't just blurt out if you say so and then end the conversation.

That leaves them in a horrible spot. They feel like whatever they have to say doesn't matter because you're not listening to them.

Number six, you're just too sensitive. 

Be honest. How often have you said this or had someone say it to you? If you're attacking someone, it's a natural human response that they will feel hurt, and it's not on them to be less sensitive. It's on you to be more kind. You can't just punch someone in the face and then complain that they're bleeding.

And chances are that if you have to say, well, you're just too sensitive, it's because you said something that hurt them, and you don't like their reaction, right? So try to be more empathetic and get to the cause of why they're in pain. Instead, you can say, I didn't realize that hurt you. Can you help me understand how I can communicate better next time?

This shows empathy and accountability. So these were the six passive-aggressive phrases, and I'm guilty as much as the next person of saying all of these, especially to people I'm close to and feel comfortable with. Thanks. These are not usually things you would say to a stranger or someone at work, but more so to the people you're closest to.

And in a way, that's worse because you're passive and aggressive and shutting down conversations with those who love you, are open with you, and want to connect with you and hear what you have to say. 

So, if you find yourself saying any of these passive-aggressive phrases, try to see why and what triggered you, and then try to shift into a more positive response because the words we use matter, especially with those closest to us.

So whenever you feel like using these phrases, pause, reflect, and ask yourself, "What am I feeling? Why am I responding this way?" and start there. When you communicate openly, you resolve issues and create deeper connections with the people who matter the most in your life. 

So, I hope we are finishing strong now, and this is how we wrap up the final episode of Season 2.

I hope you'll consider all of this and, in the next couple of months, see if you can pay attention to your language and how you communicate and change some of those phrases.  

As for me, I'm going to go down a couple of rabbit holes in the next couple of months and deal with some personal issues. Then, I'll come back stronger than ever, be more active on this platform, social media, and YouTube, and start connecting more with you on a one-to-one basis.

So stay tuned. I have many things that will change regarding the brand, name, the newsletter, and the offerings. So much change is coming your way, but only for the better. 

For now, enjoy the quietness, and then I'll let you know when Season 3 begins. Thank you again for being here, supporting this content, my podcast, and all the other work I do. I appreciate you. 

And I hope you'll stick around. I'll see you next time on the You're Worth Knowing podcast.