How to get out of social anxiety hell

The show Lucifer showed me the light regarding social anxiety hell. After I watched one of the episodes, it became clear to me how we're all building our hell cells, with the reality that it's in our power to walk out simply.

In this episode, I'm talking about the idea of a social anxiety hell, or loop, and the 4 things you can do to get out of it.

Thank you for listening to the social anxiety podcast!
📺Watch this episode on Youtube

❤️ RESOURCES

🔗Social Anxiety Action Plan

💻All my best social anxiety resources

❔Ask me anything

 
➡️ LET'S CONNECT

✨ Instagram

✨ Website

✨ Youtube 

Transcript

Welcome to the last episode of the season! 

Let’s first welcome summer; temperatures are high, pjs are non-existent, and I’m here for it. Having lived in Florida for 20 years, I’m one with the hot sun. I remember spending 6 to 8 hours a day playing tennis in the scorching heat, drinking liters of Gatorade, and getting tanned in all the wrong ways. Good times. 

Anyway, I hope summer has reached you as well, wherever you are (unless you’re in Australia, Chile, or any other country that’s upside down), and that you have a relaxing summer ahead. Or maybe an adventurous one. Whatever suits you. We’re considering heading down to Macedonia for a few weeks to join some friends there. If it happens, it’s going to be my 29th country visited.

Enough about me; let’s talk about Lucifer.

For this episode, I’ll interchange the words hell (right hand up) and loop (left hand up) interchangeably, with the idea that social anxiety hell is a self-incurred situation in which you feel stuck but have the freedom and agency to move out.

And the idea for this came years ago when I watched the show Lucifer. I was obsessed. Of course, mainly because the lead actor was tall, dark, and had a British accent…but it was entertaining in a buffy-the-vampire slayer way. I loved it. Anywho, in one of the episodes, in season 3 titled “Off the record,” we first get a glimpse into the quote-unquote truth about how hell operates (in the context of the show, of course) - here’s what we’re told:

Video scene from Lucifer

I didn’t give much significance to this exchange. Sure it was poignant and grabbed my attention, but I didn’t truly grasp what Lucifer meant until much later, in season 5, in an episode titled “really sad devil guy” where Lucifer actually visits someone in their hell cell. Here’s that exchange:

Add video #2

This is where I had my huge A-HA moment. I couldn’t stop thinking about this scene. It’s simplicity. It’s realness. It’s linked to social anxiety. Of course, it made sense! In a previous episode on the podcast, “why is my social anxiety so bad?” I talk about how toxic shame is at the core of everything and that we feed it.

It’s similar to being stuck in social anxiety hell when the door is open for us to walk out of. Lucifer is right, though; it’s not that easy to do.

I’ve broken out of social anxiety hell, but only after a decade of being stuck in its loop.

I could see the gains and losses only once I was out of it. And it recently dawned on me that not everyone knows they’re stuck in this social anxiety loop. Like in the show, the guy had no clue until he was. Maybe that’s you. Because once upon a time, I didn’t know.

I used to think social anxiety was a fact of life.

A collective motion we all went through, with some of us better suited to handle it than others. But the more time passed, the more I realized such was not the case. While a common experience for many introverts, it’s not a universal plight.

Suddenly, my perspective changed, and it became uncomfortably clear that my reactions were based on my self-imposed internal limitations. As it turned out, I was the root cause of my symptoms. It was like putting on glasses after living in a blurry haze.

As I made my way to the other side, I realized the grass was greener. And that all that time, I was standing on decaying ground. I finally understood that I was the one holding myself back. But man, reaching that kind of acceptance took a long time.

For years, my brain tricked me into believing I was less than. After many years of falling below everyone’s expectations, including mine, I created an alternative version of myself. One that wasn’t deserving of anyone’s attention. One that was better off sitting quietly in a corner, avoiding any conflict, interaction, or judgmental eyes. I allowed this version to take over the reins and inflict damage on my true self.

I was living in a self-contained social anxiety hell. It was my status quo.

And once I watched Lucifer, I realized we are creating hell. We can even extend this analogy to other areas of our life; honestly, it’s time to pay attention to the constant loops we fall into.

The ones that we find ourselves in, day in and day out. Like a broken record player playing the same old song, except we don’t realize it because we’re so used to the song, know all the lyrics, and it feels like it’s a big part of our story.

But the exciting part is that we can stop this song from playing. We can leave the cell at any moment in time. The door isn’t locked.

Should we choose to, we can walk away from our hell. Yet, most don’t because we’re too focused on our guilt and shame, unaware of anything else around us. We don’t know we’re in it.

And that was exactly my life when I lived with social anxiety.

Until I broke free of the loop.

Only when I started paying close attention to the four walls around me did I find the door and walk out.

As I became more aware, I noticed when I swallowed my words for fear of retribution, hid under my desk for fear of socializing, or clammed up at the idea of presenting. And I decided to push back on all those behaviors because they weren’t serving me anymore.

Like me, maybe you don’t even realize the extent of your anxiety, and you’re just living with these dreadful symptoms. Or maybe you know you have it but are unsure how to eliminate it. One thing’s for sure — healing is possible.

You have to believe it’s in your power to break the loop, and I’m here to help you.

Let’s go through 4 steps to help you get out of social anxiety hell:

1. Notice when it flares up

Keep a journal handy and jot down the instant you feel that knot in your throat. The one that keeps you from sharing your opinion, giving advice, or speaking up.

Notice your body’s reaction and your mental state before an interaction:

• Are you feeling nauseous?
• Are your palms sweaty?
• Do you want to back out and run?
• Are you questioning your worth?

These are all reactions to social anxiety.

Be your expert at picking up on its cues. You don’t have to do anything about them except acknowledge that they’re there. That’s the first step. Become so good at observing yourself from the outside that you can pick up precisely when it will strike next.

2. Bring the loop to light (how many rounds did you make?)

Once you journal for a few weeks or months, go through the pages, and count how many instances of social anxiety you experience daily.

Bring the loop to light by counting the frequency of socially anxious experiences.

You want to know how frequently you fall into social anxiety’s trap. You might have heard of time tracking – which is all about knowing where your time goes so you can reappropriate it accordingly. This is similar because if you don’t see that you have a problem, you won’t know how to correct it.

In the show, the nightmare of hell keeps repeating itself repeatedly. The character probably feels and knows he’s stuck, replaying the same scene. It doesn’t help that the hell he’s stuck in is the one that comes with the most guilt (from his life).

Could you highlight every moment in time that made you feel socially anxious?

3. Pinpoint the root of your reaction

Now that you know your social anxiety and when it kicks in, it’s time to analyze it as it happens.

When you feel social anxiety creeping in, ask yourself the tough questions.

• Why am I feeling this way?
• What do I think will happen?
• Can I overwrite this feeling?
• Why not?
• Has this happened before?

Dig deep and self-assess your feelings. Try to pinpoint the root cause of your reaction. It helps to ask yourself, “Why?” The more you do this, the more self-aware you’ll become of why your brain reacts in such a way. Once you have that knowledge, you can quickly move on to the next step.

4. Intentionally do the opposite action

Once you have studied all the data, you’ll be prepared to act upon an arising symptom. The moment you recognize that it’s starting, instead of going through the usual loop, break free of it immediately by resisting it.

This means that you must act the opposite of how you usually would.

If you’re freaking out in class or a meeting that your name will be called out, prepare yourself in advance by acting as if it will happen 100%.

Be proactive to lessen your reaction. Don’t wait for the situation to happen to you; instead, be ready to answer it. Don’t let the loop begin if the opportunity arises to speak up. Speak up without reservations, as if there’s no other option.

Getting out of social anxiety hell is not an easy process.

But since you’re the person that put yourself in, you’re the person to take yourself out of it. I may have simplified the steps, but I purposefully did to help you see the big picture. The most important thing you can do for your mental being is to understand that you are (or aren’t) in this loop.

Once that’s clear, you’ll know what actions to take. If you are (as I once was) stuck, try and go through these steps as much as possible because life is so much better when you’re not stuck in social anxiety hell.

The guy in hell? He made it out. We meet him again in season 7, an episode titled “Chance at a happy ending,” where Lucifer runs into him in Heaven. Here’s the clip:

Video scene from Lucifer

I want to leave you with this. After listening to this, I hope you have as much to think about as I did when I got hit by the idea of a social anxiety hell. And of course, you watch the show Lucifer if you haven’t already - I highly recommend it.

With this, I’m ending season 1 of the podcast, and the last message is that you’ve got this - it’s in your power to break free from social anxiety, even if it’s not easy. You must accept the effort, face the toxic shame, and believe it doesn’t have to be this way.

Stay in touch with me on Instagram at Honestrox, with my weekly Be Awkward Together newsletter, and as always, if you want to ask me anything, I’m here to support you. All links are in the show notes! Have a wonderful summer ya’ll, and I’ll see you back in September.