Before I go into the content of this week’s episode, I want you to know that you have permission to skip the small talk! Yes! Finally!
Ok, so keep that in mind as we go through this episode. Today I want to talk about why you should be going out of your way to talk to strangers. Chances are you’re going out of your way to NOT talk to strangers, I know the feeling.
Some of the things that probably come to mind when you’re faced with talking to a stranger are the awkward silences, the dreaded small-talk, and the high expectations.
But hopefully, after you hear what I have to say, you’ll see conversations with strangers in a different light. And you’ll want to talk to strangers. It’s time to stop having negative associations about strangers, as if all they want to do is feed us poisonous candy.
What if I were to tell you that conversations with strangers can be surprisingly satisfying? Sounds crazy right? We’re so hung up on how awkward it will be that we deliberately shy away from making the effort to have a deeper conversation at the start. And then we die inside making small talk.
Remember, you have permission to skip the small talk! Because a meaningful conversation even with a stranger, is just that…meaningful. We want to have more meaningful conversations yet we overestimate how uncomfortable we’ll be and underestimate how much we’ll enjoy them.
What if I were to tell you that they’ve done studies on this very matter? That psychologists have predicted that conversations between strangers feel less awkward, and create more connectedness and happiness, than even the participants themselves expected.
In one study, the researchers conducted twelve experiments with more than 1,800 participants in total to examine the degree to which others are interested in connecting through conversation with strangers.
What they found was that quote “Before speaking, people expected strangers to be relatively uninterested in the content of the conversation. Yet after speaking, people indicated that the person they spoke with was more interested and caring than they expected. As a result, people felt more connected and happier after speaking with a stranger than they had anticipated, and deep conversations between strangers felt less awkward than expected as well.”
“Deep conversations between strangers tend to go better than people expect,”
Guess what? Those chats you have with people you don't know, like when you're in line for coffee or on the bus, are usually way better than you'd think. This study found out that whether the talk is about deep stuff or just chit-chat, it's not as awkward as people usually expect. And the best part? People feel more connected and have a better time than they thought they would.
They then tested another hypothesis: the researchers had participants engage in a shallow conversation with one stranger and a deep conversation with another stranger. What do you think happened? Most participants expected to prefer the shallow conversation but ended up preferring the deep conversation after having both.
Both deep and shallow conversations with strangers feel less awkward. How interesting is that?!
Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation. (apa.org)
So let’s move a bit away from the technical aspects of it and think of it more practically.
Let’s imagine two scenarios. In the first scenario, you’re meeting someone you know, a friend, back-to-back. So after going out to dinner and catching up on everything, you meet the next day again. You can find other things to talk about, but you’ve exhausted many of your thoughts and stories.
Here’s why this can be hard:
- If you have social anxiety, the thought of meeting on consecutive days can be mentally taxing.
- You might dread meeting again, or be pressured to say something to skip the awkward silences.
- You might prefer to leave some time in between meeting your friend to actually feel you’ll have something to talk about.
Now, the second scenario is conversing with a stranger. You end up going to a friend’s birthday party or your child’s playdate and you sit down next to a stranger. You realize that you have many things in common and time just flies by.
Here’s why this can be easy:
- Endless possibilities for a conversation, you’re more curious and engaged
- It’s a blank state, so you can feel free to ask any questions and talk about yourself
- There’s the “liking gap” that’s on your side
Remember the liking gap? The liking gap is when we meet someone new, they probably have no expectations of us, whereas we have ridiculously high expectations of ourselves. Studies show we fall short of our expectations but exceed the person we’re talking to.
Even if you’re self-critical, even if you feel awkward, the liking gap is a good reminder that the chances are high after a conversation with someone new that they like you and vice versa. Even if you don’t think they did.
We're the ones holding ourselves back from engaging more meaningfully because we're wary and scared of opening up to someone new (AKA a stranger) and that we'll potentially be seen as awkward lunatics.
This isn't about divulging where you buy your lingerie, but about moving past the weather, sports, and pop-culture gossip and getting to a place where you're energized by the conversation at hand.
And it seems that most of us DON'T BELIEVE that's possible with a stranger or a new acquaintance but based on this study that was conducted, we're FOOLING ourselves!
Think about it. They don't know anything about you. It's a blank slate. Curiosity takes precedence. Chances are that no matter what you share, they'll be glad to have met you
Ok, rant over. Seriously try it next time and see how great you feel after you walk away from an honest to God conversation with someone you just met. Chances are you'll surprise yourself.