Why you should make friends online

Let's talk about online friendships. If you have them, you'll know the beauty that comes with them; if you don't, listen in! 

Making friends online is the best first step for those with social anxiety, as it allows for more control over communication and the ability to skip the small talk. 

In this episode, I give you 4 reasons why you should make friends online, 3 things I want you to remember as you try, and share my lifelong challenge of making friends.

I hope after listening, you'll be more open to new possibilities and take the initiative to make online and offline connections.

• Link to statistics around dating apps
• Link to statistics about teenagers online

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Transcript

Making friends online is the sanest thing to do.

I’ve had a lifelong struggle with making friends. I mean, being a homeschooled kid that traveled the world to play professional tennis is not a normal thing to do - and when you’re a kid or a teenager, normal is the way to go.

Looking back, instead of venting and sharing my secrets with my friends, I’d write journal after journal, filled to the brim. I can probably pull out 10 filled handwritten journals, chronicling my days as a pre-teener and teenager, but everything changed once I found the online blogging world. Luckily I wasn’t sucked into the predatory discussion forums of the late 90s.

I started blogging about my drama around 16, and I guess I never stopped (except I like to think I've evolved from gossiping about boys). I had a blog on Xanga (teenage girl drama posts), then on LiveJournal (mostly love poems), and then on Wordpress (philosophical and deep thinking posts).

Looking back at my posts and written journal entries, I was one lonely girl.

I recently logged onto Xanga and pulled up a few archived posts from when I was 16 years old just to read through my childish insanity and to see if I mentioned anything about my challenge with making friends.

As you can see from this Xanga excerpt from 2005, my struggle with finding real friends ran deep as I tried to understand why it was so hard for me (although hiding away from people didn't help).

I found another blog post I wrote almost a decade later, showing I was still struggling severely. And it kept me up at night.

The common thread throughout all those years was my strong need to connect with people, but never knowing how. At some point, I realized that the online medium was the perfect way to do that.

I could truly be myself there without consequences.

I loved connecting with people online because:

1.     I didn't have to ACTUALLY go out and socialize with them.

2.     I could read their blog and get to know them at a much deeper level than I otherwise would in real life (potentially).

3.     If I realized the friendship wasn't moving forward, I didn't have to feel bad about "quitting" their blog (aka Ghosting).

4.     I quickly realized who I liked and didn't like by reading their thoughts.

For many years, I've stayed in touch with some bloggers I "met" on those sites, even as we've all moved on from journaling about our daily nonsense drama. I find many of them extremely inspirational, and I'm glad they came into my life, even though I never met any of them offline. 

But since I've started sharing pieces of myself publicly and making content to help people, I've been more inclined to meet online people offline, mostly because I now realize how difficult it is to find people in the "real world" to connect with.

I’m in a phase of life where most of who I am doesn’t make sense to others. I’m self-employed, sometimes a freelancer, sometimes not. I quit a successful career in the States to live a simpler life. I create content on social platforms more than I digest, which is the opposite for most people. I have 2 kids in my early 30s, and 4 nationalities sewed in me. As a whole, I don’t make much sense to people.

I understand why I can’t connect with the people on my street. And interestingly enough, because of the international moves I’ve made throughout my life, most of my relationships are long-distance. Rarely do I get to meet up with friends in real life, so the only way to keep my relationships strong is to invest in them online.

But this episode is about meeting new people and making friends directly through the online space as a starting point. Especially if, like me, you live a non-conforming life that deviates from what “normal” looks like making it harder to connect with the people around you. But also if you have social anxiety. And I will walk you through why making friends online is the best first step you can take if you have difficulty making friends because of social anxiety.

For those with social anxiety, meeting new people online and communicating digitally is the best way to learn how to navigate social interactions safely.

Times have certainly changed, haven’t they? For the older generations, this is probably unacceptable, although if we look back at the past few decades, everyone should have seen this coming.

With the advent of social media, dating apps, remote work, and Zoom meetings (too many of them!), is it any wonder that distance isn’t a factor when building positive and fulfilling relationships? Also, let’s not forget that we’ve gone through a pandemic, which has significantly shifted our online/offline behavior. I’d even go as far as saying that meeting people online is just the norm now.

Whether people move from online to offline socializing is still up for discussion, but overall, we’ve normalized making friends and finding partners online. 14% of people that meet on a dating app eventually get engaged or married, and 57% of teenagers have made a new friend online (this number is from 2015, so you can imagine how much higher it is right now with Gen Z overtaking all social platforms).

For those with social anxiety, meeting new people online helps them handle it more confidently. As a social anxiety coach, these two areas of difficulty are the most on my radar: making friends and having conversations.

If you have social anxiety, you’ll most likely complain about being unable to do these things at the level you (and society) expect. This is where digital communication becomes a great playground that facilitates friendships and conversations.

Let’s walk through 2 scenarios, and you can let me know which one you feel more comfortable with:

In the first scenario, a friend invites you to a party/event and decides to go. After all, avoiding social outings will only worsen your anxiety, so you make a point to leave the house. You might know a person or two there, enough to get you going, but the moment you arrive, you feel out of place.

People are off in groups, your friend is doing their hosting thing, and you’re left stranded trying to make small talk. The horror!

If you haven’t gone by now, you’re brave. Conversations are superficial, people are talking about things you’re not interested in, and you’re unsure what to say. Your social anxiety rises, and you tell yourself, “Never again!”.

At this point, you’ll probably enter what I call the “avoidance loop.” The “avoidance loop” happens when you want to stay in your comfort zone (home alone), but the longer you stay there, the harder it is to show up confidently again. Chances are, based on this scenario, it’s not an experience you’re excited to run into again.

Now, here’s the second scenario

You join an online community of people who love gaming and meet weekly on a discord channel (you can also substitute this with any social platform you’re on and the bubble you find yourself in). You “run” into the same people weekly and get to know them quickly.

You’re not forced to make conversation, and you certainly don’t need to befriend them, but your social anxiety is manageable. You’re not placed on the spot to answer questions, you don’t have to worry about how much eye contact you’re making (or not), and you certainly don’t have to think about what they think about you.

The best part? You feel comfortable talking to them and make genuine friendships with people who get you. Your confidence starts to pick up, and you’re excited about meeting them in real life. You don’t even think twice about whether or not your social anxiety will show up.

You don't have to take risks and can feel more relaxed about being judged. You'll still feel some social anxiety, but it's much less, so you can form relationships you might not have been able to in person.

It's important to remember that while meeting new people online is great, you must also make time to interact with people in real life. It's not a choice between one or the other - you can have online and offline friends!

Digital communication can help you learn how to handle your social anxiety in a safe environment. However, it is not a complete solution. Meeting new people online should help you to feel more comfortable talking to people, sharing your stories, and bonding with others. This will enable you to use these social skills offline.

Reasons why making friends online is more straightforward

1. Communication is asynchronous

This means that you’re not placed on the spot to react or reply immediately, as the case would be when you’re face-to-face with someone. You can take your time to think about what you want to respond with and have more control over the conversation. 

An example of this is leaving someone a voice memo. You’re having a discussion/conversation, but it’s on each other’s terms and timelines. It’s asynchronous, unlike a phone call.

2. You can skip the small talk

Making small talk can be difficult when building relationships, especially if you experience social anxiety. But online forums can provide a way to skip the small talk and dive into deeper conversations without feeling like you're being too forward or trying too hard. For most of us with social anxiety, this can lead to nightly rumination sessions.

3. The physical elements won’t get in the way

If you have physical symptoms due to social anxiety, these will be minimized online. Blushing, sweating, and trembling probably won’t show up when you’re meeting someone new online, allowing you to feel more at ease with yourself. And even if they do, chances are that you’re off-camera, and they can’t see you!

4. Practice your people skills

When you talk to someone in person, their reaction can make you feel anxious and unsure of yourself. But when you talk to someone online, it's harder to tell how they react. You might be able to hear their tone of voice, but it's a good opportunity to practice your social skills without feeling as much pressure.

Before you dismiss meeting new people online, test it out for yourself. The reasons are there for it to work out. Be open to the idea and see it as an experiment. The worst thing that can happen is that nothing comes from it, and you have to return to the drawing board.

I want to remind you of these 3 things if you're having a hard time finding friends or connecting with people:

1. Not everyone is for you. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you - because trust me, when you meet the right person, you'll immediately know what connecting means. You must keep putting yourself in front of people and seeing which ones you click with. Make sure to move on from those you don't quickly.

2. You need to make an effort also. While most of my friends are extroverts, I've had to put in the time and effort to open up to keep the relationship going. You can't expect someone to open up and share their story if you don't reciprocate. The relationship will die if you don't.

3. Look where you wouldn't otherwise. Don't quickly turn down a potential friendship if you find it in an odd place. Pinterest is an odd place. A Facebook group is an odd place. Your person is waiting for you in unconventional mediums because, well, let's be honest, introverts tend to be more introspective and are better skilled at the written word. So go ahead and reach out to people you find interesting.

As for me, I have several new friends now because I've opened up my realm of possibilities. And in today's world, where everyone is just a flight away, there's no excuse for not trying to build friendships.  You need different resources and different ways of going about it.

But I think making friends online is a totally valid way of building relationships and taking it from there. And even if you never encounter this person in real life, you can translate the skills you've learned by communicating with them online to the real world, to a potential face-to-face friend that's, you know, down the street from you.

You will do yourself the biggest favor if you try to find friends in different ways and areas without shame; there's nothing wrong with any of these ways of making friends or of dating or whatever the case may be.

It's just the world we live in, and let's use the available tools to make the relationships we wish for. And I'm just gonna leave you at that. I hope that this gives you a new perspective on online friendships. They've fulfilled me, and I don't feel like I'm missing out the way I once used to because I'm trying to.

Find people and friends that I want, that I want in my life, the type of people that I know will be there for me and that value my friendship as much as I value theirs. And sometimes that can be hard to find in your community, but that's just the beauty of living in a modern world, that you don't have to make friends, you know, on your block.

You can make friends across the world, and they can end up being the, you know, the best, the best friend that you've never had. Don't discard yourself. Don't discard its potential of it. And I would love to hear if you have a story where you connected with someone online and are really good friends, whether you've met in real life or not.

I'm curious because most of my friendships are now online, and I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.  So, that's it for this week's episode.