You're Worth Knowing

When panic sets in, social anxiety walks out

March 02, 2023 Roxana Alexandru Season 1 Episode 6
You're Worth Knowing
When panic sets in, social anxiety walks out
You're Worth Knowing
Become a supporter of the show!
Starting at $3/month
Support
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

A few weeks ago, I was stranded, phoneless, in the middle of Dusseldorf's central station. What did I do? I sat at Starbucks and cried my eyes out. I panicked. Multiple times. But, after the storm subsided and I reflected on my day and an encounter on the train, I realized that when panic sets in, social anxiety emerges. This is a powerful lesson I want to share with you.

Thank you for listening to this Social Anxiety Podcast!


❤️ MORE INFORMATION

🔗
Social Anxiety Action Plan

📺Watch this episode on Youtube

💻All my best resources

Ask me anything
 

➡️ LET'S CONNECT

Instagram

Website

Youtube 

Support the show

As I bawled my eyes out at a German Starbucks, I realized that when panic sets in, social anxiety walks out.

It was a Saturday morning when I found myself on a barstool overlooking the train terminal and crying my eyes out. There I was, phoneless and stranded, in Dusseldorf's central station.

Who knew a nice getaway to Germany would eventually turn into a nightmare? See, the day before, I boarded a train in Amsterdam to make my way to Dusseldorf to record part 2 of my episode "Why you're scared to ask a stranger for sunscreen."

I was excited to sit on the couch with my best friend Joanna (featured in the viral TikTok I break down in the podcast episode) and get all my questions answered. 

Why, who, what, when, but whyyyyyy, and how?!

Rightfully so, because the interview beat my expectations; we laughed, connected, and got some damn good footage (I'm beyond excited to share part 2 with you, hang on!). And then we went on with the day. We walked to a coffee shop, put a few hours in of work, and made it to our dinner reservation at a Peruvian restaurant. 

I seem to be craving ceviche a bit too much these days.

Due to the exhaustion of being on a 2.5-hour train, working for 5 hours that day, and walking through the cold wintry air, by 9:30 pm, I was down and out.

My train was scheduled to depart back to Amsterdam at 11 am. Luckily, she could drop me off at the train station, so I didn't have to trek through trams and streets alone. But that was the extent of my luck...

At the train station, I made my way to Starbucks, got my chai latte, and a sandwich, then went off to find my platform. As I readied to check which platform my train was departing from, I realized my phone wasn't on me.

I don't know if you've ever experienced the panic of losing your phone in a place that is, well, NOT YOUR COUNTRY, but it's a pretty overwhelming experience. A panic-inducing one to say the least.

So many thoughts went through my mind as I dug into the same pocket over and over, thinking it would magically reappear. It did not, shockingly so. I checked every crevice of my carry-on bag, my backpack, and my pockets, to no avail.

I've been having a few episodes lately where I misplace things. This was one of those episodes, except it wasn't a lip balm or something harmless, but my LIFELINE. I honestly had zero recollection of when I last had my phone on me. At her place? In her car? At Starbucks? DID SOMEONE GRAB IT FROM MY HANDS OR POCKETS? I was losing it.

And it's in moments like these, when panic sets in, that social anxiety walks out.

I went straight to the German kid behind the counter at Starbucks and asked him: can I use your WhatsApp? He handed his phone to me without question. And then the next moment of panic set in. I didn't know any effing numbers.

I tried contacting my husband through his American phone but realized he had disabled it. Of course I did not memorize his new Dutch number and I certainly didn't know Joanna's number. So, I gave the barista his phone back and sat at the window, tears running down my face. My train was set to leave in 20 minutes, but the ticket was on my phone.

I opened my laptop, did the Find My Phone search, and rang it, while simultaneously searching my e-mail for my train ticket. I thought, well, if my phone is lost, that's that, but that doesn't mean I should miss my train. Alas, lady, good luck had it in for me. I could not locate my train ticket, nor log into the website, and I had no idea how to contact anyone. I started crying.

Through my tears, I e-mailed my husband and Joanna with the subject: HELP ME. Great, they probably think I've been kidnapped or something.

I sobbed harder and harder. I missed my train. I couldn't locate my phone. I was stranded, and I never felt more helpless. It's one thing to lose your phone in your hometown and make your way home pissed. But there I was, not sure what to do next.

Except there were PLENTY of options. I just see them through my blurry vision.

I could have called either of them through Facebook Messenger (which Joanna eventually did to reach me). I could have contacted them through Instagram (instant notification). I could have gone to the service point and had them help me with the train ticket (potentially purchasing the next train out). But I remained Frozen at Starbucks.

Eventually, I found out my phone was last seen at her house. But since she was on her way to Frankfurt (2.5 hours away), there was no way she could turn around and come back for me (or my phone, most notably).

I felt more at ease at this point because 1. I did not LOSE my phone and 2. I wasn't stranded anymore as she'd eventually come to pick me up from the train station.

I ended up staying another night and taking the train the following day with my phone and ticket in hand. Yes, I ended up paying for another train ticket, but I'd rather have to only pay for a train ticket instead of a train ticket and a new phone.

But you can imagine that this ordeal came with some profound life lessons. 

Namely, how freaking dependent I (we) are on our phones. How insane that I have zero phone numbers memorized? How insane that my phone has become my wallet? How insane that a new phone costs a minimum of $600 bucks, making it one of the most stressful objects to carry around?

I was angry at myself for leaving the phone at her house, angry at how slow the internet was at Starbucks (which made me sob even more) because I couldn't locate my phone or ticket fast enough to make any decisions, angry that everyone else around me had their phone (while I kept wanting to reach for mine), and angry that she was going to Frankfurt (further complicating my situation). But I eventually made my way to a coffee shop, calmed down. and reflected.

This was the second incident on this trip when panic set in and social anxiety walked out.

The first one happened when I first booked my train ticket from Amsterdam to Dusseldorf, I got an e-mail saying I needed to wear a mask on the German portion of the ride. Great. I didn't have any masks in the house as they needed to be the medical-appointed ones, so I went to get one of the blue masks. I thought that'd be fine.

Except when I sat on the train, I realized it wasn't fine. The girl in front of my seat had a box of white medical masks. I panicked. Oh-my-god. The Germans CANNOT catch me without the proper mask on!

Not only do I have severe unresolved issues with authority, but being yelled at by a German agent would traumatize me for life.

So, I quickly asked her if the blue mask was good enough, to which she responded: no. Of course, I mean, when are things ever simple?!

So, I did what Joanna would do. I asked the girl for a mask. As I mentioned in my Part 1 episode, "Why you're scared to ask a stranger for sunscreen," you can substitute the word "sunscreen" with anything. And for me, sunscreen was now a "mask."

And the reason why I say that when panic sets in, social anxiety walks out is that at that moment, zero bones in my body cared whether the girl would say no. I had to risk the rejection because the upside would be worth it. To have a suitable mask on!

The downside of me not asking was to be reprimanded by the train inspector – and to me, that would be a worse outcome than this girl keeping a box of 10 masks to herself.

I also did not experience approach anxiety because she was sitting right in front of me and I had engaged with her prior to making the request. And well, if anything, I'd break the social norm of having the right mask on, which I wanted to avoid at all costs.

This made me think – maybe we need to assign ourselves situations with the worst outcomes to appease our social anxiety. 

In Joanna's case, her worst-case scenario was to leave the beach, which she didn't want to. That would have been worse for her than a stranger denying her sunscreen (add a snippet of Joanna mentioning how regret is worse for her than feeling rejected).

For me, not having the right mask or not being able to contact my husband were worst outcomes than being socially rejected. I felt awkward in both situations, sure, but with the lost phone, my only goal was to contact my husband, so it didn't matter if ten people refused to give me their phone; I was on a mission to have someone help me.

And I think this feeling of wanting and needing something desperately overrides social anxiety. It's almost like a survival instinct taking over – and I think we should try to treat many situations as such to suppress social anxiety.

If you're terrified of approaching someone attractive because they might turn you down – you can think of a worse outcome than that: meaning that this could be the last person you have the chance to turn into a potential partner. Or this is the only person assigned to you and if you don't approach them, you'll settle.

Of course, that's a very extreme thought, but it can help if you think about the opportunity cost of NOT doing what you want to do because of social anxiety. What's the more significant cost (the one you're not considering) when you decide to avoid a situation because of social fear?

Try to see it from that perspective. Potentially losing out on the love of your life and a genuine connection is a REAL opportunity cost you shouldn't scoff at.

As for me, I'm now walking around with that carefree feeling I had of asking strangers for things. I witnessed myself doing it in a moment of panic, which means I can do it on a regular day just as well.

I don't want to depend on my mindset being just right (because then I'll only do things when I'm panicky, which isn't exactly an ideal way to live, is it?), so the only way forward now is to do this regardless of how I feel.

More than anything, the fact that when panic sets in, social anxiety walks out is proof that it's a construct of our mind. And if we learn to tap out, we can make great strides in life.

Which is the only way to learn how to manage social anxiety. It's to do things regardless of how you feel about them. Like my friend Sadie says, the host of yoursocialanxietybestie, "show up scared."

Or, you know, show up panicky or calmly. Either way, show up.

Introduction
Crying at Starbucks
When panic sets in
The big life lesson