Social anxiety myths that are holding you back

In this episode, we will discuss some misconceptions you might have heard or even believed yourself while on this amazing journey with social anxiety.

Being in this space for so long, I've come across many insensitive remarks, with even many going so far as to tell me that there's no possible way that I have social anxiety because I show up.

I want to tackle these myths and misconceptions so we can all be on the same page. I'll address some of these from my perspective, but each one will have evidence against it from a scientific perspective.

Thank you for listening to this Social Anxiety Podcast!

🔗ARTICLE LINKS

Myth #1
Myth #2
Myth #3
Myth #4 
Myth #5
Myth #6
Myth #7
Myth #8
Myth #9
Myth #10

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Transcript

I used to believe some of these myths about social anxiety.

When you're in the thick of it, dealing with the stares, the awkwardness, and the physical reactions, the last thing you want to hear is that "it's all in your head". As if it can all be fixed with an attitude adjustment.

Nothing makes us rage more than someone telling us to calm down when we're heated up (for a good reason!). It's not just disrespectful, but it's downright gaslighting.

While technically, yes, social anxiety lives in our heads, it's not manufactured out of thin air. It comes with its history and background that someone can't just tell you to wave it off, like just any other passing thought you have about the shitty weather outside.

Yet, hearing this makes you think you're crazy. Like "why can't I just get over it?" or "am I the only one dealing with this?".

Being in this space for so long, I've come across many insensitive remarks, with even many going so far as to tell me that there's no possible way I have social anxiety because of how I show up online. 

As if they know me and my inner world based on a 5-second interaction they have with me.

Unfortunately, as with an introvert, the world will continue to believe what it believes and disregard the experiences of those living them. Everyone has armchair quarterback syndrome, it seems. On every topic!

The best we can do is keep sounding the machine and educating people to the best of our abilities. Of course, knowledge progresses, and the scientific community continues to publish new findings, and it's up to us to be aware of the facts versus the opinions.

So, I'm going to take it upon myself to break down some of the myths about social anxiety that keep floating around the meta-verse and the ones that I run into most of the time, annoyingly so. The most frustrating part is how exhausting it is to defend and explain myself to people who have never lived the experience of anxiety yet have so many opinions on it.

For each of these myths about social anxiety, I'll include a link to a study/paper that confirms the explanation, so you don't think I pulled these out of my head without research backing them up.

Here are the 9 myths about social anxiety:

1. Social anxiety is a fact of life

Social anxiety is NOT a fact of life. It does not define you. It might feel like it will stick around forever, but that's not the case (you DO have to put in the work and accept the effort that comes with managing it). 

A socially anxious brain is the same as a non-socially anxious brain, physiologically speaking.⁠ You're not missing any parts or structure, but the areas of activity might differ (which tells us that we can retrain our brains to react differently).

It just needs a little push in the right direction. A little bit of confidence to get it to believe you can make friends, have fun conversations, and ask for that much-deserved promotion. I think I'm a great example of this myth because it was a life fact for the longest time (for me). 

I used to believe it was something I could never escape while everyone else around me had figured out how to be a human with ease. Here's a quote I wrote a while back.

With time and effort, I saw that I had it within me to challenge my social anxiety so that it wouldn't control my life, relationships, and decisions anymore.

I didn't want to stay home BECAUSE OF social anxiety; I wanted to stay home because I WANTED to stay home. See the difference?

Now, here I am, showing up online and in real life as close to my authentic self as possible and exposing the awkwardness I hid for decades because I stopped believing social anxiety was something I had to live with.

2. Managing it requires years of therapy (it's hard to fix)

Everyone has a different definition of "hard" because we all have different levels of resilience, pain tolerance, and confidence, to name a few. But that's not a reason to believe this is hard to fix. Honestly, NAME ONE THING that's not hard in this life. Love. Relationships. Careers. Growing older.

Every damn thing on this planet comes with the label "Hard to do, but possible if you accept the effort."

Sure, you might not know (yet) to know what you need to do to fix your social anxiety, but if you go at it with the idea that it's hard from the beginning, then you've already given in.

I like to say that most people will eventually find a way if they've had enough of the BS that comes with experiencing social anxiety.

First of all, I self-helped myself along the way. Self-help is a beautiful alternative to therapy, a privilege not all have. And the idea that it's so hard that the only way to get help is through therapy is nonsense. These days, you can build a rocket ship on your roof. If that's possible, you can pick up a book here and there to figure things out on your own.

Secondly, if you choose therapy, you'd be surprised at how quick the turnaround is because it's not the knowledge that's going to fix you but the willingness to practice what you've learned—the willingness to show up scared to do what needs to be done. If anything is hard about the process, it's that.

Once you realize you're the one that's holding yourself back from moving forward, the game's momentum has tilted in your favor. 

3. Social anxiety is the same thing as being shy

It's easy to see why it's hard to differentiate between shyness and social anxiety. And even if I were to tell you that shyness is a malleable emotional state, whereas social anxiety is a mental health disorder, it still wouldn't help you make the difference between them.

They both lie on the same continuum, where being shy can lead to social anxiety (but not the other way around). Interestingly, since both are behavioral and cognitive-based, they can be overcome through social fitness.

The difference lies in the internal machinations of each. Shy people don't particularly have social fears (they don't have feelings of insecurity) or stop themselves from pursuing their goals. They have negative thoughts about themselves but not to the same extent as those with social anxiety, which debilitates them.

4. Only introverts experience social anxiety

Anyone can have social anxiety. Whether blue or pink, introvert or extrovert, it's a mental health condition, not a personality trait. Yes, statistically speaking, there are more introverts with social anxiety (because they're more likely to live in their inner world and be more self-conscious themselves) than extroverts.

I've had plenty of conversations with extroverts that have experienced social anxiety, and to be honest, it's even more excruciating of an experience for them. As a baseline, extroverts are more gregarious and need to socialize more frequently than introverts (they get their energy from being around people).

Given that's the case, imagine needing to be around people yet unable to satisfy the need because of social anxiety. It's painful. While they experience it more often, introverts don't mind finding themselves alone. Their need to socialize isn't as strong, so they might avoid social interactions in general (especially if they have social anxiety).

5. Social anxiety happens only with strangers

It might seem true, but if you go through discussion boards online, such as this one, and this one, you'll notice that a lot of people are asking the same thing: is it possible to have social anxiety with your friends or family? The answer is a resounding yes. This is considered anecdotal evidence, but if people are experiencing social anxiety around people they're close with, it's a myth that it only happens around strangers.

It's a good thing they've done a study on this, where they brought participants in with their friends to self-report their friendship. Participants with social anxiety described how their social anxiety affected their friendship, yet their friends had a different view of their friendship. Namely, they didn't even know or notice that their friend (the participant) had social anxiety.

There could be various reasons for this, but looking at myself, I've experienced social anxiety with my closest friends many times. Thoughts such as not wanting to disappoint them bore them or have them question me ran through my mind.

My social anxiety made me hold back, retreat inward, and even avoid hanging out with them.

6. Having social anxiety means you'd rather be alone

It might seem this way because of avoidant tendencies, but most people with social anxiety find great happiness in being around others. At the root of it all, social anxiety hasn't anything to do with others but very much to do with how we think others think about us. It's a very selfish disorder because we put so much emphasis on ourselves and how badly we come off in social situations.

While social interactions are the leading cause of anxiety for people with social anxiety, they don't think that it's better to be alone. The paradox of social anxiety is that fear of social interactions coexists with a desire for social connection. Fundamentally, we're social creatures. We've evolved this way and probably won't be able to disconnect from this primal need anytime soon (unless our brain restructures itself somehow), so it's no surprise that we seek others to have a fulfilling life.

7. It's rare and uncommon

Sorry, but you didn't win the lottery. Social anxiety is one of the most common mental health problems, with an estimated lifetime prevalence of 16% for women and 11% for men (prevalence means that 16% of women and 11% of men have experienced or will experience social anxiety in their lifetime). In the past 30 years, the number of people experiencing social anxiety has increased from 2% to over 12%.

And, of course, it's easy to say "you're not alone" when you very much feel like you're the only one unable to perform to your potential because of your social anxiety. Try to see it this way: whatever happens in your head is happening in someone else's. This has soothed me countless times because I see it as living the human experience above all else. There's no "me" against "everyone" else. It's "us" having a shared brain, except we don't have visibility into each other's thoughts.

8. It's something you are (born with it)

Have you ever thought, "I will never get rid of social anxiety; this is who I am"?

Let's stay away from definite statements—all-or-nothing thinking. You won't be hanging out with social anxiety forever on your front porch. Honestly, the less you identify yourself by it, the higher your ability to manage it because you'll see it as something you EXPERIENCE instead of something you ARE.

Yes, some of us are more predisposed to social anxiety, but a very small percentage is attributed to genetics.

You are NOT your social anxiety, and you do NOT have lousy social skills. ⁠You are NOT your thoughts, your beliefs, your past, your pattern, your behaviors, your mistakes, or your problems. Most people who experience social anxiety identify themselves with it.

• “MY social anxiety showed up”
• “I AM socially anxious”
• “I’m an anxious/awkward PERSON”

But that’s not true. Your social anxiety is NOT WHO YOU ARE; you're EXPERIENCING it.

9. You can get "rid" of it

I struggled a lot with this one because I put all my hopes into being "fixed" and "getting rid" of it. Unfortunately, the best you can hope for is to have the tools available to manage it when you feel triggered. This is because it's intricately linked to your past, life experience, background, relationships, etc.

One way or another (even if it goes into hibernation), it will pop up throughout your life. In different situations and contexts, as we've come to realize, there are 4 types of social anxiety, and we rotate through them as we move through life. The good news about this is that it's HEALTHY for everyone to experience social anxiety to some degree. The extreme of NOT having any indication of social anxiety means you're about to veer into the space of a psychopath. Not something to wish for, right?

As long as it's not debilitating you anymore, treat it as any other feeling that comes and goes. Stay with it, and then let it move through you while performing and doing what you set out to do. I don't like to use the word "rid" or "overcome" that much, but instead, I tell myself I can "manage" it. It seems a more achievable goal.

10. It will go away on its own

Hahaha. Ha. Listen, being in denial is normal. The fact that you're experiencing something you don't want to and believe will go away on its own reminds me of a younger, pain-free me. One moment I'm sitting on the couch; the next, I'm walking like an 80-year-old because I have a herniated disc. 

I kept telling myself it was just another "pulled muscle" like the million I've had before, so no biggie. No worries, it will go away on its own. Exactly a year later, tired of having the body of an 80-year-old, I had back surgery because the pain was so excruciating. I couldn't walk anymore. I tried everything - avoiding it, massage, steroid shots, physical therapy, stretching, and yoga. I had to come to terms, shake out of the denial, that I needed some serious help.

The thing with social anxiety is that it builds up. It might seem like you have a sudden onset of it, but scroll through your memories, and you'll notice the many tiny moments that created the opening for social anxiety to push through. You're fully dilated now, and the baby is not going back in, no matter how much you wish it to. 

You can't avoid your social anxiety forever.

Think about it this way: if you keep avoiding giving that presentation because you think you're going to tank it, how will you ever be able to prove that you will tank it? Chances are that, yes, you'll be nervous about it, but you won't set the room on fire. 

By avoiding the situations that give you the most social anxiety, you're depriving and denying yourself the opportunity to see how uneventful the situation was. You will survive them and even feel proud of how you handled yourself.

Avoiding your social anxiety only exacerbates it. You can stop wishing it's going to go away on its own and start making progress in managing it.

These were the 10 myths about social anxiety and why they're just myths.

I like to challenge everything that I hear. First, I filter it through my own experience, and then I look for how others might experience the same thing, and lastly, I'll dig into some research to see if the anecdotal evidence can be backed up. I hope you'll also do the same so that we build upon each other's knowledge and come to the truth.